Dominant Type Husband

Meet Laura

This is her story.... 

My marriage lasted 11 years, I had two step-children and 2 children. As a family, there were some really good times together, laughter and  fun, and I will always have good memories of the children together. For that, I am forever grateful... But, there was a lot of really bad stuff too, and that bad stuff muddied all the good things I can remember of my then husband, and quite honestly, it muddied how I saw myself. 

My God-given personality characteristics make up a lot of who I am, how I think, how I see people, how I treat others, and what I think about myself. I want peace for others and myself, I want to help, I want to make people’s lives easier, I want people to feel included and of worth... those truly are good and needed things. But, on the other hand, I don’t like conflict, I don’t like confrontation, I will quickly and easily stand down to a more dominant personality to avoid unpleasantries. 

My husband had a very dominant type personality. He liked always to be right and agreed with. His opinion was the only opinion. His needs were the only needs. Time rotated on his timetable. And as long as I went along with these things, all was well... But, it really wasn’t. The more life continued like this, the more I quietly shoved my anger further and further down inside me. I had become very unhealthy. 

Sometimes I would disagree with him, sometimes I tried to stand up for myself. That was never a good idea though. I was called ugly names, sometimes names I didn’t even know the meaning of. Sometimes I was given “lie-detector” tests because surely “I lied about most everything”. I was choked, I wore bruises that no one else saw. When trying to avoid another argument or being fussed at, I would quickly and quietly attempt to exit the room, only to be grabbed, pulled back in and pushed into my place. I was shoved across rooms into furniture; when I would fall, he would clap and praise my good “acting” skills (one of these happened in my son’s room while he was slept, all I could do is silently pray he would not wake up to witness it). I had multiple things thrown at me, there were shoe prints on doors that had been kicked open. Furniture kicked and dumped over. I specifically remember a day I sat on the couch holding our infant daughter, as he stood over me, finger outstretched toward my face ticking off all my short-comings. He stopped suddenly, called our son into the room and made him stand beside him while he continued to angrily and loudly berate me. Our son quietly stood there beside his father, starring at the floor while all I could do was silently cry and quietly beg him, “please stop”. That day was the worst. 

Sometimes though, he said he was sorry, sometimes he said it would never happen again. Sometimes I just made him so mad he couldn’t control himself. Things would get better, he said. He never meant to hurt me, he loved me. 

But it was always a lie.

 I would swing back and forth between anger and depression, until I just hung there in the middle, completely empty and hopeless. I was easily manipulated, I was used. And I deserved it. That’s what I was worth, I really believed that I was nothing. I wanted to die, I wanted to just “go away”, I hated myself, I literally loathed myself for my weakness. 

One day, 8 years ago after learning of his multiple affairs I had the resolve, courage and confidence to leave. I finally stood up for myself, I said “no more”, I said I wouldn’t let him dictate my life anymore or control me. I was not going to let him get in my head ever again. I was confident I was finally healthy and I would never let him manipulate or use me again. 

I was wrong. 

You can’t just leave a toxic relationship without open wounds, without anger, without resentment. And you cannot leave an abusive relationship (physically, verbally and emotionally) without continually trying to avoid further hurt.

I continued to try to play peacemaker, to validate his crazy ideas, and attend multiple “talks” so he could remind me that I had now messed up our children for life. I let him have whatever he wanted so there would be short-term peace. I did what he said so he wouldn’t make a scene in front of the kids. I have allowed him to be disrespectful to me, to verbally and emotionally abuse me just to keep him happy. Without really understanding or realizing it, I have continued to live in that same toxic environment. 

You might be there too. Trying to leave the place you are stuck, trying to become healthy, but relapsing into bouts of sickness. I understand, I do, I’ve been there, sometimes I’m still there. The damage the toxicity has caused takes a very long time to heal.  

Do this though, find someone who will speak truth into your life. Someone who can pull you back when you’re slipping down into that dark place. Don’t fight alone, find someone who has been where you have been or someone who is going where you are going, walk along side each other. Encourage each other, don’t wallow in the mud of what you are walking through. Understand and truly take to heart the truth that you are worthy of love, of being treated with kindness, and having a joyful and peaceful life. Let us not allow our children, our family members or our friends be treated in such a way they feel unworthy of a healthy, emotional life. Let us teach them and ingrain into their hearts that they are loved regardless of the negative things they may experience. 

If you don’t have someone to do this with, I will walk it with you. I’ve got a way to go myself, but encouragement and hearing the truth of who you are, helps all of us. We are created in Christ’s likeness, and in Him is the fullness of joy and love. We are worth more than we have believed, dear ones. You are worth more than you will ever know. 

 

Her testimony was so raw and vulnerable. I was crying while reading what she had to experience. Being a mama, I couldn't imagine going through what she did. So thankful she wanted to share her story! And I hope it helps someone out there. Also look how beautiful her and her daughter are in the picture to right. The sweetest souls even through everything she has experienced. 

If any of y'all want to share your story please contact me through my email, or private message me on Instagram. And if you are in the Knoxville area, you are able to participate in the Happiness Photoshoot.